All I Have
by samuraiheart
Summary: A late night conversation between Sanosuke and Kenshin. *Shounen-ai*


samuraiheart's All I Have  ** This story contains shounen-ai. In other words, there is a relationship between two human beings of the male variety. If this offends you, please turn back now. **

**All I Have**

**by samuraiheart**

_Disclaimer: These characters do not belong to me and are the property of their respective owners._

Warnings: Kenshin and Sanosuke shounen-ai

Author's note: This fic is in Kenshin's point of view.

I can't look him in the eye anymore. I am afraid of what I will see. I am afraid of what he will see. 

When did my feelings for him change so much? Maybe they never did. Maybe I've always felt like this. I smile a little at that last thought. It's so true. He has always had my heart and I willingly gave it up. I just wish that he wanted it. 

I shake my head and lean back against the wall. He's probably already asleep. He's staying here again tonight. I don't know why. I don't know if I really care. I am just glad that he is near. 

I close my eyes. I wish he could be closer. I can't help but smile at that. It is so ridiculous. I have so much. I do not need this. 

I have a group of friends that I could not imagine being without. I feel needed for once in my life. But still there is this one thing that bothers me. Why do I want him so much? Why doesn't he want me? 

I shake my head and scold myself. I shouldn't be thinking about this now. I shouldn't be thinking about this at all. He is a good friend and nothing more. 

I sit up straighter as I hear a noise behind me. It's probably nothing, I tell myself, but I can never be too careful. I rest my hand on my sword just in case. 

I turn to see Sanosuke standing behind me. I smile and turn my attention back to the scene before me. 

I cannot look him in the eye. I do not say anything to him. I don't know why. It is not really necessary. 

He surprises me when he sits beside me. It's not too close. But it is too close for me. Just close enough to wish he was closer. Just out of reach. 

I smile and shake my head again. "Is Megumi finally getting to you?" I laugh a little nervously. I hope he doesn't notice. I don't get nervous. There's something about him that throws me off balance. I frown and try to concentrate on maintaining control. I cannot let my feelings show. 

I shift a little as I sit there and stare off into the distance. I do not notice that he doesn't reply. I do not notice that he is quiet too. 

After a few minutes he sighs and bends his head. I hear him say in a quiet voice, "Why does it have to be so complicated?" His voice is so pained. I've never heard him like this. 

My heart beats faster. I wish I knew what he was talking about. I face him cautiously and try to figure out what is bothering him. He looks so lost sitting there with his hands clasped in front of him. They shake slightly as he looks up at me. Our eyes meet and I look away, but I immediately regret it as I feel him withdraw a little. 

He tilts his head and lets his bangs fall down over his eyes. "I'm sorry, Kenshin. I didn't mean to bother you." His voice is so quiet. I have to struggle to hear it. I lean a little closer and look at him carefully. I want to hold him close and whisper that everything will be alright, but I don't know how he would react. I wonder how much sake he has had. I've never seen him like this. He seems so sad. 

"What's wrong Sanosuke?" I say cautiously. I am afraid that he will not tell me. Why would he? 

"I'm so unhappy Kenshin and I know that I shouldn't be." He laughs bitterly. "I have great friends and I wouldn't trade them for the world, but…" He breaks off suddenly and looks over at me then turns away again. "There is something missing." 

I feel uneasy. This is all a little too familiar. I understand exactly what Sanosuke is saying. I have felt that way so many times before. 

On an impulse I scoot closer to Sanosuke. Our shoulders barely touch, but I can feel Sanosuke tense up a little at the gesture. I wonder what that means. I wonder how far I can take this before finding out. I wonder if I have had too much sake as well. 

"Sano, I think I know how you feel." He looks down at me sadly. 

I don't know what he is thinking, but he seems to come to a decision as he nods his head and pulls away from me a little. 

"I don't think you could understand. It's a little complex." 

I smirk. It can't be any more complicated than the way I feel. I am in love with my best friend, and now he is asking me for advice. I'll probably just make things worse. 

"Try me." I don't really expect him to continue. I know I could never talk about the problems I face. 

He surprises me when he leans closer to me again. It is almost imperceptible, but the slight shift makes all the difference. He is not trying to escape. He is still just beyond my reach, but a little closer. 

"Kenshin, have you ever been in love?" 

My eyes widen for an instant, but I try to control myself. I am sure that I paled a little at the question. I think I scared him because he pulled back again. I didn't mean to, but I wasn't expecting a question like that. I searched for an answer ineloquently, "Well, Sano… I don't really… I can't really… yes. I have been." I should probably stop there. I know I should stop there, but I can't help myself. I add one more word to seal my doom. "Twice." 

He seems surprised by the answer. I'm not sure what he expected. Maybe he didn't expect me to answer at all. Maybe I shouldn't have. I guess I will never know. I can't take it back now. 

"How about you?" I ask uncertainly. I don't really know what else to say. He seems to ponder this for a while and I wait patiently. I half expect him to start counting on his fingers. Have there really been that many? I am surprised when he answers. 

"Once." 

I try to hide my shock. I am suddenly very nervous and I can't explain why. I tug at my sleeves and try to pull them straight. I don't think that I want to continue this conversation, but I don't seem to have much choice. 

"I've always wondered if he felt the same way." 

My eyes widen again. Did I really hear him right? It couldn't be. I stare down at my feet. I don't know how to respond. I don't even try to figure out who he is talking about. I don't think that I want to know. My heart is beating faster and my hands are shaking a little. This is harder than I thought it would be. I am not sure how much longer I can stay in control. I do not want to hear about who he loves. I feel so alone. I want him so much. Why is he telling me this? 

"I think he's scared. I don't know why. I didn't think he was scared of anything." 

I can feel my heart beating faster. I wish he would stop. This is too much. I can't handle this. I lean back against in the wall and turn away from him. I stare at the darkness in the distance and try not to hear what he says. I am sure I have given too much away already, but I do not care. He loves someone. He can never love me. He loves someone else. Now he can never be mine. 

"I've never felt this way about anyone before. I wish I knew how he felt. I wish he would just tell me." 

I can feel myself withdrawing from the situation. I fold my arms closer to myself and I bend my head until my bangs fall over my eyes. I try to smile. I try to say some words of encouragement, but I cannot make sound come from my throat. I cannot think of anything else. His words echo in my mind and they speak of betrayal and sadness. I feel so alone. I never thought he could do this. I accepted that he couldn't be mine so I never told him. I tried to hold it back. I never let it show. I never thought he could be this cruel. 

I try to remind myself that he is not doing this on purpose. He could never understand the way I feel. 

"There was something about him tonight that made me wonder." 

The image before me blurs as tears fill my eyes. It is someone that was here tonight. He is so lucky. Anyone that Sanosuke loves that much is very lucky. I try to hold back the tears, but I can only hold on so long. I have held on for so long. I have held on for too long. Now he will never know. 

I sob. Tears stream down my cheeks and I sob. I can't hold it back anymore. I am embarrassed to cry in front of him but I can't stop. I expect him to leave now. I wish that he would just leave me alone. It must be obvious by now that I don't want to hear this. Through my tears I see that he is still sitting there looking out at the scene before us. I wish he would look at me. I want to scream. I want to run. 

"I guess Megumi was right." He says it so matter of factly. I don't know what he is talking about, but I see his expression soften as he says it. He turns toward me and for the first time I notice the tears in his eyes. He leans closer to me and I don't know what to do. I feel his hands on my shoulders and I try to pull away. I don't want him to touch me. I am afraid of what I will do. I don't understand what is going on. He will not let me pull away. He puts an arm around my shoulder and pulls me closer. This is all too much. I just want to get away. I just want to hide. I just want to give in. I can't hold it back any longer. I lean into his embrace and cling to his jacket. My hands grasp at it and I lean my forehead against his shoulder. I am afraid to look at him. He must hate me. I do not want to let go. I am not sure I will ever be able to look at him again. He doesn't let go of me. After a few minutes I realize that he is still holding me close to him. He is stroking my hair and I don't know what it all means. I am so confused. How did this happen? I was never supposed to let it show. I finally look up at him. I have nothing left. I am so scared of what he will think of me now. I am sure that he must hate me. I feel so alone. My eyes are full of this pain as I look up at him. 

I am surprised to see only understanding on his face. He shakes his head and smiles. I feel his hand on my cheek. He wipes away my tears and laughs nervously. "Don't you understand, Kenshin?" He shakes his head and I see tears come into his eyes again. "It's you. I love you." The words seem hard for him. He is fighting back tears of his own. 

I don't know what to say. I don't move. My eyes widen and I stare back at him in disbelief. This can't be happening. I never even considered this possibility. He loves me? How could he love me? I lift one hand cautiously and reach out to touch his cheek. My hand shakes as I wipe away a tear. He does not pull back. I am so afraid that he will pull back. 

"No." I whisper over and over. I still do not believe it. How could he love me? Why would anyone love me? I feel so lost. I am not prepared for this. I stare at him in disbelief. I am not prepared when he leans closer to me and I feel his lips on mine. He brushes them softly against mine and keeps one hand under my chin. Then he kisses me on the cheek and whispers, "I don't know why you don't believe me, Kenshin. I love you." 

The words set in slowly. They seem to melt all of the walls that I have put up around my heart. I feel so lost. "I never knew." I say breathlessly as I wrap my arms around him and pull myself close to him. I lean my head on his chest and try to take it all in. I am sure this is a dream. I can't believe this is happening. "I love you too." I needed to say it. I've needed to say it for so long. I feel him relax a little and I feel guilty for making him wait. "I had no idea. I love you so much." 

I feel the energy drain from me as I say these words. I have held it in for so long. I lean my head against him and I am not sure that I can do anything else. I am not sure that I care. I hold on to him as he gathers me in his arms and we go back inside. The night air is cold compared to the warmth of his body. I am so tired. I close my eyes and fall asleep before he lays me down in my bed and whispers goodnight. 

~Owari~

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